Journeying and Journaling through Matthew
In today’s reading, Peter is told by Jesus who he really is. Jesus tells Peter that he is the rock. Part of the very foundation on which Jesus’ church will be built. But rocks do a lot of things. They are both used for building a foundation for a house or a church, and they can be stumbling blocks that get in the way. Peter was both/and. He was both a zealous leader and disciple, and, in just the upcoming pages, he is also a stumbling block, telling Jesus that doesn’t have to die and denying Jesus three times.
While both/and ideas might seem contradictory, it can also be a very good thing. It is understanding and accepting that two things can be true at the same time. Jesus often challenges us with both/and thinking. He emphasizes both the traditions and laws of the bible and the importance of keeping aligned with the spirit of those laws. He wants us to try to understand that he is both the Messiah, the Son of Man, the King of heaven and earth, and he is the humble servant who was crucified for our sins. He both died and defeated death. Jesus leaves a lot of room for both/and thinking. And that is often what gets him in trouble.
In this passage alone Jesus is both asking the disciples to name him and identify him as the son of man, and to keep his identity a secret. He is both performing miraculous signs of healing right in front of the Pharisees and Sadducees, and refusing to perform a miracle at their request. And for their part, the Pharisees and Sadducees are both demanding a miracle from Jesus and then condemning him for performing a miracle on the sabbath. Both/and can be hard.
In enneagram circles, it is often said that the best part of you is also the worst part of you. I have definitely found that to be true. I can be both loyal, and loyal to a fault. My habit of asking a lot of questions, especially about new situations can be both informative, and limiting. I can be both good and kind and generous, and petty and jealous and stingy. I am both confident in my skills, and nervous that I’m not good enough.
In thinking about some of the most challenging times in my life, I have felt that push and pull of both/and. In leaving my first husband and moving back home there were a lot of conflicting emotions. I was proud of myself for leaving an abusive marriage. And I was also terrified of what was going to come next. I was so grateful that my parents helped me out with my young son and I was so glad to be back near my family. While at the same time I felt like I was a failure because I was getting divorced and a single parent.
Now that both of my parents have passed, I always feel a tinge of sadness that they are not present at even our most joyous moments. I cried at my son’s awards ceremony because I knew that they would have been there for him and been cheering him on. One of my nieces plays college softball and I am so proud of her and I love to cheer her on, but my sister and I often talk about how much our dad especially would have loved being at all her games. Another one of my nieces is getting married in a few weeks and while we will all be celebrating with her, it will also be a time when we are feeling my parents absence more acutely.
Life is about the both/and. It is about understanding deep and complicated feelings, emotions, and ideas. God wants us to dig deeper. He wants us to embrace the complexity of life. Very few things in this world are simply black and white. We need to see the nuance. If we really take a look at ourselves, we are all both/and. Luckily for us God can and does use all of us. He can use both the good and wonderful things we do, and he can also use the places where we have fallen down. The important part is to turn over both /and all of us to him.